Flimsy Plastic Front-End Work DOES Serve a Purpose

Flimsy Plastic Front-End Work DOES Serve a Purpose

If you drive a GM passenger car, you know what I'm talking about. Its all
the plastic under the faux front bumper which overhangs the wheelbase for
convenient scraping the pavement when negotiating road dips, snow and mud
ruts and less than ideal driveways. Whether you address this fancy-work as
valence panels, streamlining, cooling system ducts, air dams, under panels,
chin scoops, or just plain plastic, they are a royal pain in the ass.
Every scrape sends chills down my spine that maybe I just tore up the
underbody or ruined the undercarriage.

But, they do serve a purpose, for GM and the Government. For GM, its a
steady flow of parts replacements for those customers not limited to
driving down San Vicente Blvd. in Beverly Hills. GM knows most towns
around this land of ours have North Korean style unpaved alleyways and even
city streets that get really nasty in the winter and will rip this plastic
garbage to shreds. You knew that already about the profit motive behind
this shameful emblishment. However, I bet you didn't know about the
Government angle: The Government got its foothold in auto building in a big
way with its smog laws and the OBD II mandated standards; it didn't stop
there. After the EPA sank its teeth into the business, the FBI got into
the act. Its the force of FBI directives that is the real reason why GM
builds cars that drag and scrape on every excuse of a roadway. The FBI
knows when you run over a pedestrian, the plastic breaks off and falls in
the street. All they have to do is match up the broken pieces with the now
jagged bodywork on the car and presto! the hit-and-run car is located. Its
just like the pieces of Mr. Krabs pirate map, it is.

Now you know why you can't curse only GM for hanging this trash on your
car. Its the Government's fault and this fact is irrefruitable.

 

Forgot your meds, again???

 

And how often does the FBI investigate traffic accidents???

 

That's where you are dead wrong. An extensive google search, coupled with a
strong intuitive instinct has revealed that the real reason for the plastic
valance pieces is really an act of the NTSC. These otherwise innocuous
panels have been mandated by the NTSC for the purpose of scraping animal
droppings off of road surfaces, thereby eliminating potential slip hazards
to pedestrians, health-minded bicyclists, and vehicle traffic. Imagine how
many more piles of poop you'd see on America's highways and byways if it
were not for these devices. Perhaps to the average coastal state resident,
the value is not so obvious. Typical piles are after all, generally only
dog size. For our interior state brethren though, these devices serve a far
greater benefit as buffalo droppings could easily disrupt a tractor and
trailer.

So - the next time you are laying under your car changing the oil, and
fretting about that plastic valance getting in your face, take solace that
this humble little piece of plastic is one piece on your car that is indeed
contributing to the greater safety of your fellow man, right here at home.

 

Sounds like a great urban myth. "Irrefruitable" you say? Got any
evidence or source to back this up?

Bill Putney
(To reply by e-mail, replace the last letter of the alphabet in my
address with the letter 'x')

 

You need a vehicle with more ground clearance
or better still you sound like someone who shouldn't be driving.

 

You say that like being able to apprehend scumbags who run over
pedestrians and flee the scene is a BAD thing.

 

"Mike Marlow" wrote:

These panels have been mandated by the NTSC for scraping
animal droppings off of road surfaces, eliminating potential
slip hazards to pedestrians, health-minded bicyclists, and
vehicle traffic. The next time you are lying under your car
changing the oil, and fretting about that plastic valance in
your face, remember that this humble little piece of plastic
is contributing to the greater safety of your fellow man.
_________________________________________________

Even after it wears away from scraping the pavement, it
is still useful for mall parking. When you hear a grinding
sound, it confirms that your tires have almost reached the
concrete stop bar at the end of the parking space.

Rodan.

 

And I'd add, welcome to USENET! You've come to the right place! Wait a
minute and the MI6 Torture guy will be along. You two should get together.

 

NTSC?? That's the American television standard. I think you mean NTSB.